How To Feel Better In Your Relationships

The hard truth!

You do not have control over other people!

But Marvette, I don’t try to control others.

Let see…

If you are doing things, giving things, saying things to get other people to smile, to make them happy, you are trying to control them.

But is that bad?

Depends…why are you doing it?

Is it to seek the approval of others?

Is that the only way you can feel good about yourself?

What happens if you worked really hard trying to find the perfect gift for your boyfriend. You go to 10 different stores in 3 different shopping malls. When you finally find it, you have to stand in line for 3 hours. You go home and spend another hour wrapping it.

The big day comes for you to give him the gift, you’re so excited. He opens the gift, looks at you, kisses you on the cheek, and says a simple, “thank you.”

How would you feel?

Would it bother you?

Would you be angry, hurt, upset that it didn’t seem like he cared about how much time and effort you put into that gift?

Does he even appreciate you?

This can leave you feeling used and unappreciated.

What if this is something that happened all of the time in your relationship?

You may feel miserable and just feel like giving up doing anything for him or your relationship. No cleaning.

No cooking.

No sex.

No just thinking about you cards or gifts.

You may start to look for someone else who will appreciate you and your work.

You start to fight more and more with your boyfriend. Which may increase you wanting to find someone else.

At the core of it, you are just unhappy in your relationship; wondering why this man doesn’t care enough to put in ANY effort into this relationship.

Friend, it doesn’t matter what you do or say, there is NOTHING that can make a person do something or change but them deciding to do it.

There is no perfect thing that you can do or say that will change it.

So how do you feel better?

You have to first accept that you cannot control another person.

Take some time to think about what you do want.

Let’s say he did change, how would you know? What would he be doing? Is it bringing you flowers every day? Taking you on trips? Telling you he loves you more? What do you want him to do?

Tell him what you want him to do.

Tell him what you like because no one can read your mind. Don’t have an attitude, just tell him exactly what you want. Try not to say things like, “I just want you to show me more love.” Instead, say things like, “I want you to take me out at least once a week.” “I like when you bring me flowers.” This is clear instruction of what you want. There is no guessing involved.

Give it some time and be patient.

You have been stewing in your feelings for a while. Your boyfriend just found out that you were unhappy and what you need. You have to be patient and give it some time to change.

In the meantime, satisfy your own needs.

Take yourself out. Buy yourself some flowers. Enjoy a movie. Buy yourself some lingerie. Treat yourself how you want others to take care of you.

Your boyfriend will notice. It will send a clear message of what you expect and need. You’re not waiting for him to give it to you. He will have to work at this relationship if he wants to keep you.

*Side Note: If you taking care of yourself makes him upset or lash out, this is too helpful information. It’s understandable that you may have money to do some things. However, it is not a crime to do things for yourself. Especially, if it doesn’t cost money. Taking a long bath or watching a movie alone is not a crime. You are allowed to give to yourself. If he cannot support that, you may have to consider if this is the right relationship for you.

Where you will get stuck…

You don’t want to do the things someone else should be doing. This is a limiting belief. You are waiting for someone else to come and save you and make you happy. Why are you giving your power away?!

You can only control yourself and you have the power to make yourself happy.

Want more information? Click here to join my challenge.

You Can Change, I Can Show You How

Last week, I told you a little about how my upbringing influenced my adult life.

Today is a more concrete explanation of how I transformed from negativity to a more purposeful life full of life

I felt stuck, not sure of my purpose

I felt alone, relationship in turmoil

Isolated from friends and family

High anxiety and depression

Felt really bad about myself, like I did everything wrong

Always felt take advantaged of and used

Felt no one cared about me

After finding a counselor and deciding to change,

I took steps to help me feel different

I now have purpose, sure of what I should do with my life

I now have and accept a circle of supportive loving friends, family, and love ones

My anxiety is under control, no longer ruling my life

My depression is almost nonexistent

I speak up more for myself and get what I want and deserve

I’m finally getting the love I give, deserve, and want

How?

7 Step Process

  1. Make the decision
  2. Decide what I want
  3. Figured out my starting point
  4. Examined the root of my issues and my limiting mindset
  5. Put a plan into action to get to where I wanted
  6. Continue to educate myself
  7. Give more to myself than to others

Want to know more?
I’ve created this 7 Day Challenge. Join Me!

How To Be Happy Being Single

My good friend, Joan, talks about how she learned how to be happy being single. Joan talks about the importance of taking the time to learn about yourself and loving yourself before anyone else can do it. She took the time to do just that and now Joan is in a happy and healthy relationship with a great, loving man.

It’s Not You, It’s Your Thinking

For the most part, I have always been in a relationship.

I would go from person to person, hoping that this time would be different, only to end up in the same place.

During my transformation, I was referred to this book.

Inside, there was an activity to take inventory of past relationships. I was then also asked to take inventory of my family relationships.

The most eye-opening thing that I realized was that I was in the same relationship over and over trying to fix the relationships of my childhood.

This had led to a quest of furthering my understanding.

Because of my childhood abuse and emotional abandonment, my thought pattern was all wrong.

My life was all about what I could do for others.

I was unable to express emotions, despite always feeling deep emotions

I used school, grades, and awards as validation.

I never really felt close to others.

I always tried to give people what they wanted before they asked.

I couldn’t handle criticism or being wrong

I constantly felt used and abandoned; no one was giving the same amount of love that I was giving

I felt I was doing everything wrong and that’s why I felt all alone.

The Truth

It was how I saw the world. You can’t change something that you don’t even know is a problem.

I kept focusing on that something was wrong with me. I would try to think positive, be positive but people still told me I was negative.

Looking over the past helped me to realize the root of my negativity. Understanding my childhood through a different lens helped me to also see the root.

I was a people pleaser

I struggled with perfectionism

Shame and guilt ruled my life

I had high self-confidence but low self-esteem

I had all the goods, so much going for me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, and fun to be around. I would just let my mind get in the way of seeing that.

My childhood taught me I, my feelings, or needs didn’t matter.

I was only there to be in service of others.

People didn’t want to know my truth, they just wanted to be comfortable.

I had to be, act, say, do certain things for attention.

Complicated…yes…and…

What I’ve Learned

Maybe it’s not just about being negative, maybe it’s something deeper.

Once I understood the root, I could change my negative and limiting beliefs.

Once I put in action to change and saw my value, did I get the love I deserved.

Do you want to know more about what I did to change?

Sign up for my FREE guide, Love Me: 3 Days To A New You. It will be starting soon and there are only a few spots available.