For the most part, I have always been in a relationship.
I would go from person to person, hoping that this time would be different, only to end up in the same place.
Inside, there was an activity to take inventory of past relationships. I was then also asked to take inventory of my family relationships.
The most eye-opening thing that I realized was that I was in the same relationship over and over trying to fix the relationships of my childhood.
This had led to a quest of furthering my understanding.
Because of my childhood abuse and emotional abandonment, my thought pattern was all wrong.
My life was all about what I could do for others.
I was unable to express emotions, despite always feeling deep emotions
I used school, grades, and awards as validation.
I never really felt close to others.
I always tried to give people what they wanted before they asked.
I couldn’t handle criticism or being wrong
I constantly felt used and abandoned; no one was giving the same amount of love that I was giving
I felt I was doing everything wrong and that’s why I felt all alone.
It was how I saw the world. You can’t change something that you don’t even know is a problem.
I kept focusing on that something was wrong with me. I would try to think positive, be positive but people still told me I was negative.
Looking over the past helped me to realize the root of my negativity. Understanding my childhood through a different lens helped me to also see the root.
I was a people pleaser
I struggled with perfectionism
Shame and guilt ruled my life
I had high self-confidence but low self-esteem
I had all the goods, so much going for me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, and fun to be around. I would just let my mind get in the way of seeing that.
My childhood taught me I, my feelings, or needs didn’t matter.
I was only there to be in service of others.
People didn’t want to know my truth, they just wanted to be comfortable.
I had to be, act, say, do certain things for attention.
What I’ve Learned
Maybe it’s not just about being negative, maybe it’s something deeper.
Once I understood the root, I could change my negative and limiting beliefs.
Once I put in action to change and saw my value, did I get the love I deserved.
Do you want to know more about what I did to change?
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