You Can Change, I Can Show You How

Last week, I told you a little about how my upbringing influenced my adult life.

Today is a more concrete explanation of how I transformed from negativity to a more purposeful life full of life

I felt stuck, not sure of my purpose

I felt alone, relationship in turmoil

Isolated from friends and family

High anxiety and depression

Felt really bad about myself, like I did everything wrong

Always felt take advantaged of and used

Felt no one cared about me

After finding a counselor and deciding to change,

I took steps to help me feel different

I now have purpose, sure of what I should do with my life

I now have and accept a circle of supportive loving friends, family, and love ones

My anxiety is under control, no longer ruling my life

My depression is almost nonexistent

I speak up more for myself and get what I want and deserve

I’m finally getting the love I give, deserve, and want

How?

7 Step Process

  1. Make the decision
  2. Decide what I want
  3. Figured out my starting point
  4. Examined the root of my issues and my limiting mindset
  5. Put a plan into action to get to where I wanted
  6. Continue to educate myself
  7. Give more to myself than to others

Want to know more?
I’ve created this 7 Day Challenge. Join Me!

It’s Not You, It’s Your Thinking

For the most part, I have always been in a relationship.

I would go from person to person, hoping that this time would be different, only to end up in the same place.

During my transformation, I was referred to this book.

Inside, there was an activity to take inventory of past relationships. I was then also asked to take inventory of my family relationships.

The most eye-opening thing that I realized was that I was in the same relationship over and over trying to fix the relationships of my childhood.

This had led to a quest of furthering my understanding.

Because of my childhood abuse and emotional abandonment, my thought pattern was all wrong.

My life was all about what I could do for others.

I was unable to express emotions, despite always feeling deep emotions

I used school, grades, and awards as validation.

I never really felt close to others.

I always tried to give people what they wanted before they asked.

I couldn’t handle criticism or being wrong

I constantly felt used and abandoned; no one was giving the same amount of love that I was giving

I felt I was doing everything wrong and that’s why I felt all alone.

The Truth

It was how I saw the world. You can’t change something that you don’t even know is a problem.

I kept focusing on that something was wrong with me. I would try to think positive, be positive but people still told me I was negative.

Looking over the past helped me to realize the root of my negativity. Understanding my childhood through a different lens helped me to also see the root.

I was a people pleaser

I struggled with perfectionism

Shame and guilt ruled my life

I had high self-confidence but low self-esteem

I had all the goods, so much going for me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, and fun to be around. I would just let my mind get in the way of seeing that.

My childhood taught me I, my feelings, or needs didn’t matter.

I was only there to be in service of others.

People didn’t want to know my truth, they just wanted to be comfortable.

I had to be, act, say, do certain things for attention.

Complicated…yes…and…

What I’ve Learned

Maybe it’s not just about being negative, maybe it’s something deeper.

Once I understood the root, I could change my negative and limiting beliefs.

Once I put in action to change and saw my value, did I get the love I deserved.

Do you want to know more about what I did to change?

Sign up for my FREE guide, Love Me: 3 Days To A New You. It will be starting soon and there are only a few spots available.

How I Transformed My Life And Learned To Love Me

I was lost.

No idea what to do.

I was crying all of the time and had no control over my emotions.

My second year of graduate school was ending and I wasn’t sure I should return.

I had no job because I was laid off.

I was broke, no money and no idea of what to do next.

I had been playing around with the idea of starting my own business for the last two years. There was a woman that I followed who started her own business and it was really starting to take off.

I watched her build her business from the beginning and she inspired me to do the same.

One day, she sent out an email saying that she was offering free calls to her followers who wanted to talk about starting their own business. This was my chance, my way out. If I could talk with her and everything would be good. While I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to her, I knew this was going to be a massive step in the right direction. So, I signed up.

The Call

During the call, she began by asking me questions. She was reviewing my website and asked me what I wanted from life. I remember that it was difficult to answer those questions and I felt very awkward.

At the end of the call, she made her pitch for me to join her business class that was starting in the next few days. I told her that I literally only had $5 to my name and there was no way I could afford to pay her or find $300 for her course.  

She told me that if I was serious enough, I would do what I had to do to get the money. There were many other women who were worst off than I was who was making it happen.

I was angry, hurt, and confused because it seemed like she couldn’t understand or didn’t care about my situation.

I felt dismissed.

After I hung up with her, I decided that I would show her that I could do it on my own.

Fast forward a few months later, I wasn’t any better off.

It seemed like no matter what I did, things in my life were getting worse.

A friend suggested a counselor to me that she thought could help. The only problem was that my student insurance couldn’t cover the session and I would have to pay out of pocket a $100  a session.

I was desperate.

The Change

This time, I didn’t care what I had to do, I wanted my life to change.

I worked with that counselor for about four months. In that time, I was introduced to books and other resources that put my whole life into perspective. The time spent with her helped me to take responsibility for where my life was and helped me realize that I had the power to change it.

I was the only one who could do it.

It wasn’t that she was some miracle worker or that she had all the answers.

It was that I was finally ready to stop being a victim and start being an active participant in my life.

Now two years later, I have my own business.

I’m about to graduate with my Ph.D.

My relationship with my boyfriend is going better than ever.

I understand myself and have more control over myself and my emotions.

I’m not exactly where I want to be but I’m miles and miles away from where I was.

How Can You Do It?

 

Make the decision to accept the sacrifice.

Change requires you to do something different than you’re used to doing. That is not going to be comfortable or easy. You are going to have to sacrifice something. It could be money. It could be time with loved ones. It could be chocolate cake. If the change is important to you and you are serious, desperate even, you will sacrifice what you have to in order to make the change.

Find someone who can help you.

I don’t mean your friends or your family members. You need to find someone that you pay. This is important because their only job is to listen to you and help you get where you want to get. They are not obligated to lie to you or make you feel good. Their one goal is to get you from point A to point B. AND if you pay for the help you are more likely to take it more seriously.

Make the decision to keep at it even when you don’t want to.

In the beginning, your excitement will make you give 150%. That will disappear a few days into the process. It will no longer be exciting and the hard work will start to set in. This is the most important time to keep going. It helps to remember that it is not about being perfect and doing everything at 100%. It’s about your persistence and your progression towards your goal.

Create a morning routine.

How you start your day sets the tone for the rest of the day. Some things that you can include in your routine are:

Prayer/meditation

Visualization

Journaling

Yoga/Stretching

Eating breakfast

Listening to a certain playlist

This is customizable to you and what will help you be the most productive. Maybe you wake up 30 minutes early to work on that book you’ve always wanted to write. Or to put your meals together for the day so you can avoid eating out. It can be whatever you make it.

Figuring out what you want from life.

This can be done through goal setting, creating vision boards, and even reading the biographies of people you look up to. This will help you find out what you are attracted to and the other possibilities for life. Once you can identify what you want, you can begin working towards it.

Remember, clarity comes from doing as Marie Forleo says.

I’ve done these things and continue to do them. These were a major part of how I changed my life around. Interested in learning more about how you can incorporate these into your life, click here to schedule your FREE 30-minute call with me.

What is your morning routine? Let me know in the comments.

Why I Started This Blog: My Story

For a while, I felt I had this calling to share my story. That sounds so big, right? At first, I thought it was a way to start my own business, which is a dream of mine. However, the more I thought about this, the more I realized that it was for a much bigger reason than that. I needed to share my story to save my own life.

As I look over my life, for the most part, I have some great accomplishments. I have done pretty well for myself considering my beginnings.

My Story (short version)

The short version of the story is that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My first experience happened when I was about three and ended around eight or nine. One thing I should say is that one of the after effects of trauma, of any kind, is that it affects your memory. For me, there are a lot of memories that are not clear. There are huge chunks of childhood that I cannot remember.

Two separate family members molested me. The second family member was the abuse that lasted the longest and has had the most impact. I told my family in the beginning about both instances. Their reactions to my confessions were very confusing for me. I felt like I was in trouble instead of doing something that was brave. I remember a lot of yelling and looks of horror on my parents’ faces. I remember telling my brother and his silence and physically withdrawing from me. This further made me feel like I did something wrong.

Today, my family has no recollection of these events. They say that they do not remember me telling them anything. Also, they do not understand why this is something that still effects me today. While I do not see them as these evil, bad people, I do see them as people who have hurt me deeply.

After Effects

Most of my life, I have lived in isolation and quietness. There was always this huge secret I felt like I had to keep in order to protect the people in my life. At a very young age, I was aware of other’s feelings and trying to protect them from the bad ones. Although I was seething with negative feelings (self-hate, negativity, loneliness), I knew I could handle it and my family would not be able to handle it.

As I continue to do my work to free myself from my past, I can see how the isolation and quietness leads to my difficulty of trusting other people. In any of my relationships, I do not have the expectation that people will be around for the long-term or that they will not be there in my time of need. And that was what seemed to be happening. It was like I was becoming victimized all the time and had no control over it.

My childhood abuse affected me sexually. Throughout my teenage years and early twenties, sex became this thing I did constantly. I felt like it was the only thing I was good at and it was my duty to provide men with sex. Otherwise, what else was the purpose of a man and a woman being in a relationship with each other?

There are other things that are affected by me being molested. I am sure I am not even aware of them all yet. It is motivation for me to continue doing the work to be more aware and getting out of this victimization cycle. That is why this blog is important to me.

Road to Healing

For the past three years, I have been on the path to trying to heal from the untitled-designpast. I lost a marriage, friendships, and myself and I just wanted to get me back. This required me to take an honest look at myself. What was my responsibility in all of this? I never thought it had anything to do with being molested as a child; I just thought there was something wrong with me.

I felt no one understood me. No one understood how I thought, how I saw the
world, and what my needs were. But I did not understand them, so how could I expect anyone else to do that?

This Blog…

I write this blog to share my story. In sharing my story, it helps me to examine my life, to continue to do the necessary work to free myself of the pain and being a victim.

I share my story to help others, so you know that you are not alone.

And lastly, I share my story to explore the bigger picture of child molestation and sexual violence. It is not just individual women problems; it is a societal issue that we all have a responsibility to attend to.

Every week, I will post on different topics related to childhood abuse and sexual violence. I will talk about how you to can heal from the past and have a life where you feel loved and complete. It is a journey and we can help each other overcome.