How To Feel Better In Your Relationships

The hard truth!

You do not have control over other people!

But Marvette, I don’t try to control others.

Let see…

If you are doing things, giving things, saying things to get other people to smile, to make them happy, you are trying to control them.

But is that bad?

Depends…why are you doing it?

Is it to seek the approval of others?

Is that the only way you can feel good about yourself?

What happens if you worked really hard trying to find the perfect gift for your boyfriend. You go to 10 different stores in 3 different shopping malls. When you finally find it, you have to stand in line for 3 hours. You go home and spend another hour wrapping it.

The big day comes for you to give him the gift, you’re so excited. He opens the gift, looks at you, kisses you on the cheek, and says a simple, “thank you.”

How would you feel?

Would it bother you?

Would you be angry, hurt, upset that it didn’t seem like he cared about how much time and effort you put into that gift?

Does he even appreciate you?

This can leave you feeling used and unappreciated.

What if this is something that happened all of the time in your relationship?

You may feel miserable and just feel like giving up doing anything for him or your relationship. No cleaning.

No cooking.

No sex.

No just thinking about you cards or gifts.

You may start to look for someone else who will appreciate you and your work.

You start to fight more and more with your boyfriend. Which may increase you wanting to find someone else.

At the core of it, you are just unhappy in your relationship; wondering why this man doesn’t care enough to put in ANY effort into this relationship.

Friend, it doesn’t matter what you do or say, there is NOTHING that can make a person do something or change but them deciding to do it.

There is no perfect thing that you can do or say that will change it.

So how do you feel better?

You have to first accept that you cannot control another person.

Take some time to think about what you do want.

Let’s say he did change, how would you know? What would he be doing? Is it bringing you flowers every day? Taking you on trips? Telling you he loves you more? What do you want him to do?

Tell him what you want him to do.

Tell him what you like because no one can read your mind. Don’t have an attitude, just tell him exactly what you want. Try not to say things like, “I just want you to show me more love.” Instead, say things like, “I want you to take me out at least once a week.” “I like when you bring me flowers.” This is clear instruction of what you want. There is no guessing involved.

Give it some time and be patient.

You have been stewing in your feelings for a while. Your boyfriend just found out that you were unhappy and what you need. You have to be patient and give it some time to change.

In the meantime, satisfy your own needs.

Take yourself out. Buy yourself some flowers. Enjoy a movie. Buy yourself some lingerie. Treat yourself how you want others to take care of you.

Your boyfriend will notice. It will send a clear message of what you expect and need. You’re not waiting for him to give it to you. He will have to work at this relationship if he wants to keep you.

*Side Note: If you taking care of yourself makes him upset or lash out, this is too helpful information. It’s understandable that you may have money to do some things. However, it is not a crime to do things for yourself. Especially, if it doesn’t cost money. Taking a long bath or watching a movie alone is not a crime. You are allowed to give to yourself. If he cannot support that, you may have to consider if this is the right relationship for you.

Where you will get stuck…

You don’t want to do the things someone else should be doing. This is a limiting belief. You are waiting for someone else to come and save you and make you happy. Why are you giving your power away?!

You can only control yourself and you have the power to make yourself happy.

Want more information? Click here to join my challenge.

How To Be Happy Being Single

My good friend, Joan, talks about how she learned how to be happy being single. Joan talks about the importance of taking the time to learn about yourself and loving yourself before anyone else can do it. She took the time to do just that and now Joan is in a happy and healthy relationship with a great, loving man.

It’s Not You, It’s Your Thinking

For the most part, I have always been in a relationship.

I would go from person to person, hoping that this time would be different, only to end up in the same place.

During my transformation, I was referred to this book.

Inside, there was an activity to take inventory of past relationships. I was then also asked to take inventory of my family relationships.

The most eye-opening thing that I realized was that I was in the same relationship over and over trying to fix the relationships of my childhood.

This had led to a quest of furthering my understanding.

Because of my childhood abuse and emotional abandonment, my thought pattern was all wrong.

My life was all about what I could do for others.

I was unable to express emotions, despite always feeling deep emotions

I used school, grades, and awards as validation.

I never really felt close to others.

I always tried to give people what they wanted before they asked.

I couldn’t handle criticism or being wrong

I constantly felt used and abandoned; no one was giving the same amount of love that I was giving

I felt I was doing everything wrong and that’s why I felt all alone.

The Truth

It was how I saw the world. You can’t change something that you don’t even know is a problem.

I kept focusing on that something was wrong with me. I would try to think positive, be positive but people still told me I was negative.

Looking over the past helped me to realize the root of my negativity. Understanding my childhood through a different lens helped me to also see the root.

I was a people pleaser

I struggled with perfectionism

Shame and guilt ruled my life

I had high self-confidence but low self-esteem

I had all the goods, so much going for me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, and fun to be around. I would just let my mind get in the way of seeing that.

My childhood taught me I, my feelings, or needs didn’t matter.

I was only there to be in service of others.

People didn’t want to know my truth, they just wanted to be comfortable.

I had to be, act, say, do certain things for attention.

Complicated…yes…and…

What I’ve Learned

Maybe it’s not just about being negative, maybe it’s something deeper.

Once I understood the root, I could change my negative and limiting beliefs.

Once I put in action to change and saw my value, did I get the love I deserved.

Do you want to know more about what I did to change?

Sign up for my FREE guide, Love Me: 3 Days To A New You. It will be starting soon and there are only a few spots available.

How I Transformed My Life And Learned To Love Me

I was lost.

No idea what to do.

I was crying all of the time and had no control over my emotions.

My second year of graduate school was ending and I wasn’t sure I should return.

I had no job because I was laid off.

I was broke, no money and no idea of what to do next.

I had been playing around with the idea of starting my own business for the last two years. There was a woman that I followed who started her own business and it was really starting to take off.

I watched her build her business from the beginning and she inspired me to do the same.

One day, she sent out an email saying that she was offering free calls to her followers who wanted to talk about starting their own business. This was my chance, my way out. If I could talk with her and everything would be good. While I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to her, I knew this was going to be a massive step in the right direction. So, I signed up.

The Call

During the call, she began by asking me questions. She was reviewing my website and asked me what I wanted from life. I remember that it was difficult to answer those questions and I felt very awkward.

At the end of the call, she made her pitch for me to join her business class that was starting in the next few days. I told her that I literally only had $5 to my name and there was no way I could afford to pay her or find $300 for her course.  

She told me that if I was serious enough, I would do what I had to do to get the money. There were many other women who were worst off than I was who was making it happen.

I was angry, hurt, and confused because it seemed like she couldn’t understand or didn’t care about my situation.

I felt dismissed.

After I hung up with her, I decided that I would show her that I could do it on my own.

Fast forward a few months later, I wasn’t any better off.

It seemed like no matter what I did, things in my life were getting worse.

A friend suggested a counselor to me that she thought could help. The only problem was that my student insurance couldn’t cover the session and I would have to pay out of pocket a $100  a session.

I was desperate.

The Change

This time, I didn’t care what I had to do, I wanted my life to change.

I worked with that counselor for about four months. In that time, I was introduced to books and other resources that put my whole life into perspective. The time spent with her helped me to take responsibility for where my life was and helped me realize that I had the power to change it.

I was the only one who could do it.

It wasn’t that she was some miracle worker or that she had all the answers.

It was that I was finally ready to stop being a victim and start being an active participant in my life.

Now two years later, I have my own business.

I’m about to graduate with my Ph.D.

My relationship with my boyfriend is going better than ever.

I understand myself and have more control over myself and my emotions.

I’m not exactly where I want to be but I’m miles and miles away from where I was.

How Can You Do It?

 

Make the decision to accept the sacrifice.

Change requires you to do something different than you’re used to doing. That is not going to be comfortable or easy. You are going to have to sacrifice something. It could be money. It could be time with loved ones. It could be chocolate cake. If the change is important to you and you are serious, desperate even, you will sacrifice what you have to in order to make the change.

Find someone who can help you.

I don’t mean your friends or your family members. You need to find someone that you pay. This is important because their only job is to listen to you and help you get where you want to get. They are not obligated to lie to you or make you feel good. Their one goal is to get you from point A to point B. AND if you pay for the help you are more likely to take it more seriously.

Make the decision to keep at it even when you don’t want to.

In the beginning, your excitement will make you give 150%. That will disappear a few days into the process. It will no longer be exciting and the hard work will start to set in. This is the most important time to keep going. It helps to remember that it is not about being perfect and doing everything at 100%. It’s about your persistence and your progression towards your goal.

Create a morning routine.

How you start your day sets the tone for the rest of the day. Some things that you can include in your routine are:

Prayer/meditation

Visualization

Journaling

Yoga/Stretching

Eating breakfast

Listening to a certain playlist

This is customizable to you and what will help you be the most productive. Maybe you wake up 30 minutes early to work on that book you’ve always wanted to write. Or to put your meals together for the day so you can avoid eating out. It can be whatever you make it.

Figuring out what you want from life.

This can be done through goal setting, creating vision boards, and even reading the biographies of people you look up to. This will help you find out what you are attracted to and the other possibilities for life. Once you can identify what you want, you can begin working towards it.

Remember, clarity comes from doing as Marie Forleo says.

I’ve done these things and continue to do them. These were a major part of how I changed my life around. Interested in learning more about how you can incorporate these into your life, click here to schedule your FREE 30-minute call with me.

What is your morning routine? Let me know in the comments.