The hard truth!
You do not have control over other people!
But Marvette, I don’t try to control others.
If you are doing things, giving things, saying things to get other people to smile, to make them happy, you are trying to control them.
But is that bad?
Depends…why are you doing it?
Is it to seek the approval of others?
Is that the only way you can feel good about yourself?
What happens if you worked really hard trying to find the perfect gift for your boyfriend. You go to 10 different stores in 3 different shopping malls. When you finally find it, you have to stand in line for 3 hours. You go home and spend another hour wrapping it.
The big day comes for you to give him the gift, you’re so excited. He opens the gift, looks at you, kisses you on the cheek, and says a simple, “thank you.”
How would you feel?
Would it bother you?
Would you be angry, hurt, upset that it didn’t seem like he cared about how much time and effort you put into that gift?
Does he even appreciate you?
This can leave you feeling used and unappreciated.
What if this is something that happened all of the time in your relationship?
You may feel miserable and just feel like giving up doing anything for him or your relationship. No cleaning.
No just thinking about you cards or gifts.
You may start to look for someone else who will appreciate you and your work.
You start to fight more and more with your boyfriend. Which may increase you wanting to find someone else.
At the core of it, you are just unhappy in your relationship; wondering why this man doesn’t care enough to put in ANY effort into this relationship.
Friend, it doesn’t matter what you do or say, there is NOTHING that can make a person do something or change but them deciding to do it.
There is no perfect thing that you can do or say that will change it.
So how do you feel better?
You have to first accept that you cannot control another person.
Take some time to think about what you do want.
Let’s say he did change, how would you know? What would he be doing? Is it bringing you flowers every day? Taking you on trips? Telling you he loves you more? What do you want him to do?
Tell him what you want him to do.
Tell him what you like because no one can read your mind. Don’t have an attitude, just tell him exactly what you want. Try not to say things like, “I just want you to show me more love.” Instead, say things like, “I want you to take me out at least once a week.” “I like when you bring me flowers.” This is clear instruction of what you want. There is no guessing involved.
Give it some time and be patient.
You have been stewing in your feelings for a while. Your boyfriend just found out that you were unhappy and what you need. You have to be patient and give it some time to change.
In the meantime, satisfy your own needs.
Take yourself out. Buy yourself some flowers. Enjoy a movie. Buy yourself some lingerie. Treat yourself how you want others to take care of you.
Your boyfriend will notice. It will send a clear message of what you expect and need. You’re not waiting for him to give it to you. He will have to work at this relationship if he wants to keep you.
*Side Note: If you taking care of yourself makes him upset or lash out, this is too helpful information. It’s understandable that you may have money to do some things. However, it is not a crime to do things for yourself. Especially, if it doesn’t cost money. Taking a long bath or watching a movie alone is not a crime. You are allowed to give to yourself. If he cannot support that, you may have to consider if this is the right relationship for you.
Where you will get stuck…
You don’t want to do the things someone else should be doing. This is a limiting belief. You are waiting for someone else to come and save you and make you happy. Why are you giving your power away?!
You can only control yourself and you have the power to make yourself happy.
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